If you walk into your kitchen and open the nearest cupboard, you’ll see a sea of jars, packets, and condiments with labels on them. If you examine one of them, you’ll likely see a brand logo, a product name, a list of ingredients, and more. The goal is to ensure the identity of this product is focused, clear, and most importantly, fixed. Intuitively, a label in this context makes sense, right?
However, applying a singular label to human beings to fix their identity is not only problematic but dangerous. On one hand, labeling ourselves can give us a sense of identity, confidence, and belonging. Sounds great, right? But on the other hand, fixing our identity can cause us to think small, develop self-limiting beliefs, and engage in behaviors to protect the label we’ve adopted. The words we use to define ourselves influence our behavior and shift the trajectory of our lives.
Labeling is a theory first developed by Howard Becker in 1963. In his body of work, he speaks about the harmful effects of labels on children. For example, have you ever heard a parent say, “My son is extremely bossy” or “She’s very shy?” To a child, these words carry weight, meaning, and significance. Becker proposed that labels can influence how a child views themselves, leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Consistently labeling a child as “bossy” or “shy,” due to them showing such tendencies in a prior season of their life, could mean they end up engaging in behaviors that are congruent with this label. Becker’s thesis implies that children are developing and have endless potential, so we shouldn’t suffocate this process with well-intentioned yet harmful labels. I believe the same holds for you and me as adults.
We are limitless beings, but things get dicey when a label consumes your entire identity. I’ve seen and heard clients use the following labels to describe themselves when it comes to their communication:
- Boring
- Monotone
- Uncharismatic
- Uninspiring
- Ineffective
The list could go on—do any of the above resonate?
I once had a client who was in-between sales jobs in the tech industry. After “bombing” a best man speech (his words) many years before, he labeled himself “a bad presenter.” This label became a part of his identity as a communicator, stimulating self-limiting beliefs and stunting his career potential. The result? His teammates would avoid giving him the spotlight in high-stakes pitches. His leaders didn’t acknowledge his hard-earned expertise because of his inability to articulate his message. And his peers didn’t view him as influential. This impacted how he saw himself, reinforcing behaviors congruent with the label he had adopted.
But don’t get it twisted: even so-called “positive” labels can be destructive. For example, I recently delivered a storytelling workshop in the UK. One individual in the group had proudly given themselves the label of being “confident.” The problem was that their interpretation of this label meant they believed they should display unconscious competence in every single area of their life. When I presented the group with a fresh take on customer-centric conversations using influential storytelling, this individual resisted it at all costs. Why?
They didn’t want to admit that their current conversations could be improved. They didn’t want to engage in practice and be seen as a beginner in front of their peers. And they didn’t want to showcase any vulnerability, as for them, that was the opposite of confidence.
As a result, they disengaged with the session, shied away from asking questions, and became disinterested. They told themself, “This won’t work for me.” When the leadership team and I dug deeper, the proof was in the pudding. This individual was engaging in behaviors to protect the label they had given themself. Their label and definition of “confident” were preventing them from refining their skills, having better customer conversations, and earning relationship currency in their industry. Positive or negative, the question is how can we reframe a label into something that serves us?
In the most basic sense, the shift lies in one word: verbs. Instead of pinning your entire identity on a singular noun, use a verb (a.k.a. an action word) to expand your being and belief system. For instance, in the case of the example above, instead of saying, “I am confident,” one could say, “I am a lifelong learner who displays deep competence in my area of expertise.” Instead of saying, “I am a bad presenter,” one could say, “I am someone who is consistently growing in my skills as a presenter.” Nonetheless, no matter how long a label, belief, or story has been plaguing you, just know, change is always possible.
Excerpted from Relationship Currency: Five Communication Habits For Limitless Influence and Business Success by Ravi Rajani (Amplify Publishing; November 4, 2025).
