A parenting expert has shared the answers to the questions repeatedly cropping up within the parenting community on TikTok, including those discussing parenting guilt.
This follows some new analysis conducted by Parenting for Brain, which involved collating the most commonly asked queries under #parentingquestions on TikTok, and establishing which topics parents seek support with the most.
According to Pamela Li, editor-in-chief and expert at the parenting wellness brand Parenting for Brain, TikTok is a great way for struggling parents to feel connected to others. “Facing the day-to-day stresses of parenthood can often result in people feeling anxious, particularly if they’re first-time parents or perhaps don’t have a solid support system,” she says. “Engaging with those in a similar situation can help combat this anxiety by creating a sense of camaraderie and community, reducing feelings of isolation and allowing mothers and fathers alike to find comfort in the fact they are not alone, and that how they feel is normal.”
So, what were the most asked questions? The data reveals that the key discussion points included how children use technology, how to discipline them correctly, and how to combat parenting guilt.
- Does anyone else experience parenting guilt?
Wanting to know if others felt guilty about how they parent their child proved the most common query related to validation on TikTok, appearing in one-fifth (21 percent) of posts touching on the topic. “Parents, especially mothers, tend to struggle with guilt if they believe they aren’t spending enough time with their child,” says Li. “However, the amount of time you spend with your child doesn’t automatically determine how good of a parent you are. Focus on the quality of the time you spend together instead. Connect with them, ask about their day, support their emotional needs—that’s the stuff that matters.” - How do you find time for yourself?
Interestingly, while most posts conveyed parents’ guilt about not spending enough time with their little ones, others sought advice on the best way to prioritize personal time. Of the queries that discussed routine, over half (57 percent) focused on how to find personal time as a parent, either to get chores done or simply have time to rest and recoup. “Alone time is something every person craves, yet it is one of the hardest parenting challenges to overcome as you have someone else that you’re responsible for at all times, especially if you’re a single parent or are alone for significant portions of the day,” says Li. “As long as you ensure you have quality interactions with your child, you shouldn’t feel guilty for making time for yourself. In fact, it’s recommended to do so that you don’t become burnt out and so that you can make sure you’re in the best condition you can be while parenting. In the same way that you might schedule a half-hour to help with homework, carve out a non-negotiable slot just for you. If this means you need to have a time-saving meal that night or leave reading a bedtime story to your partner, so be it.” - How do you discipline a child who won’t listen to you?
A common question that circulates TikTok’s parenting community is about how to respond to a child who refuses to follow instructions as this appeared in almost half (40 percent) of queries discussing discipline. Li says, discipline in this instance will only be successful if a three-component system is implemented. “First, parents must work to build a supportive relationship with their child, that way they see them as a respected and caring caregiver,” she says. “Then, they should introduce positive reinforcement and adopt a ‘caught-being-good’ attitude by praising good behavior rather than just focusing on punishing or pointing out the bad. Finally, allow natural consequences. If your child refuses to go to sleep, let the struggle of waking up in the morning teach them their lesson about staying up past bedtime rather than punishing them for a mistake they don’t understand they’re making. That way, the child knows that there are repercussions to their actions and will start behaving to avoid them.” - Should you give children unrestricted access to devices?
Exactly half (50 percent) of the technology-focused questions were about whether children should have parental controls on their devices to filter out harmful or inappropriate content. “While parental controls can be useful in preventing abusive content creeping onto younger children’s screens, parental controls with teenagers tend to be less effective, especially with social media,” says Li. “Teenagers may interpret it as controlling behavior, and because they will likely figure out a workaround anyway, your relationship will be damaged without you having achieved your goal. Instead, try having an open and honest conversation with them, speaking of the potential dangers and advising them on how to stay safe. Start a discussion about why parental filters are important and what you’re hoping to achieve by having them in place—and you might find that they’re more open to implementing them if it feels like a joint decision.” - What is an appropriate age for a child to go on a sleepover?
1 in 5 (20 percent) of the age-related queries revolved around what age is best to let a child stay elsewhere overnight, with parents concerned about allowing this milestone too early. Pamela Li explains: “There’s no set rule for the correct age for a sleepover. It depends on the child—while some might be ready at seven years old, others might not be until 12. “Are they likely to be happy visiting friends’ houses without you staying? Can they do their bedtime routine on their own? Have they expressed excitement about having a sleepover?” asks Li. “And remember, don’t be angry with them if they change their mind halfway through the night and ask to come home. Rather, be proud of them for giving something new a go.”
Based on the TikTok data, the most common reason parents used #parentingquestions was to seek validation (29 percent) from others experiencing similar challenges with parenthood.
When sorted into categories, the five most common reasons parents were turning to the platform were to seek help with topics on:
- Validation
- Community
- Age
- Parenting Style
- Routine
Moms appeared to rely on TikTok as a parenting community the most, as they accounted for 88 percent of those using #parentingquestions, over a quarter of which (27 percent) also used the #MomsofTikTok.
Users also sought help with toddlers aged one to three, more than any other age group, with almost a quarter (24 percent) of queries relating to this stage. This was closely followed by children aged three to eight (21%), whereas teenagers seemed the least troublesome, as fewer than 1 in 10 questions were associated with them.
“While TikTok is a great way to seek support and advice from your peers, it’s important to remember that it’s a social media platform with a billion users,” says Li. “Not only does this mean there’s a higher likelihood of misinformation, there’s also countless opinions on the correct way to raise a child being voiced. It would be impossible to live up to all these parenting styles as they have vastly different approaches, especially as it is a global platform. You need to find what works for you and your son or daughter. If you have genuine concerns about parenting or your child, make sure that you consult a professional and take the advice you receive online with a pinch of salt.”
