MOTHERING THE MOTHER
Across the globe, rest for mother after giving birth is deeply embedded in tradition. In Mexico, it is known as cuarentena. The Chinese phrase for it translated into “doing the month.” The Japanese call it satogaeri bunben, and women traditionally return home to their parents for this period. In Eastern Europe, there is typically a one-month period of seclusion following birth. In Latin America, a period of seclusion is accompanied with body massage to aid recovery. If we examine contemporary practices across cultures spanning the globe, we see a pattern of support for mothers after birth that isn’t reflected here in the United States.
Generally, the consensus in other countries seems to be that, for at least 40 days after birth, mothers must rest and be given special consideration. That can be support from others (especially other women), a particular diet, isolation, and lots of rest.. The specifics vary, but this practice of support is so common that its absence in American culture is notable.
Northern European nations respect for mothers after birth is codified into law. In the Netherlands, every mother receives a kraamzorg, or maternity carer, following birth, usually for eight days. Finland sends every mother a “maternity package” with 63 essentials for the newborn in a box that can be a bed for the baby. Antenatal care is standard and free for mothers in these countries. The U.S. follows no such tradition and has no federal provisions for family medical leave.. Our go-it-alone society has engineered a family structure which for decades encouraged the idea of a family including two parents and their children and then left mom to fend for herself following births. I don’t know about you, but this is mind-boggling and heart-breaking that a country that proclaims to be one of the most advanced in the world is the only developed country on the planet to neglect to provide for its children and families.
Cultural context matters. What seems fixed and certain in our society can be a relatively new innovation. Mothers should define and design the Mother Code through which we all see this essential identity. Michelle Walks and Naomi McPherson’s ambitious An Anthropology of Mothering provides tremendous cultural and historical context and brings the topic back to the core of its importance. They write, “mothering is about behavior, practices, and engagement…mothering is about biology and culture, bodies and being…mothering is practiced by more than just mothers.” By articulating mothering in this holistic way, a vision emerges that expands beyond a singular role or narrow identity.
WE ARE ALL MOTHERS
Mothering others is a beautiful offering from which many women derive pleasure, satisfaction, and meaning. The imperative of valuing our service to others as a gift rather than an expectation falls on us. The more we claim the value of our caring labor, the more it will be reflected back to us and the disparity that exists will come into balance.
We ALL mother, with or without children. We conceive, create, and give birth to children, relationships, careers, pets, dreams, and frankly anything we put our caring, nurturing, protective energy into. You will hear this expressed as a drum beat throughout the book. We must hear paradigm shifting concepts many times before we take notice. Claiming the mother identity as an inherent part of your existence only empowers you. Giving birth is not the golden ticket that gets you into an elite club. Rather, it is a choice you make on how you want to use your creative power and spend your precious energy. A child is one of many paths a mother can take.
In my workshops, I invite people to introduce themselves like this, “My name is (fill in name), and I am a mother.” Because of our programming, this simple act of naming what is true evokes a full range of emotions and reactions for people without a child under their care. I have seen on their faces and heard in their voices everything from joy to pain to anger. I have seen relief, discomfort, and outright refusal to utter these words. I understand how it feels sacrilegious and scandalous to make what some would consider a false claim on an identity that we have been programmed to believe we must earn or can only achieve by giving birth or raising a child. I have even had stepmothers tell me they were shamed or criticized for calling themselves a mother if they didn’t give birth to the child that they are now responsible for raising.
It is essential that we find common ground amongst each other and foster genuine sisterhood. If we want to connect with divine mother energy and our creative power and put it to good use in the world, we must adopt an inclusive mindset that inspires us to see the myriads of ways we all mother. And, that we acknowledge all the ways in which we have been a mother. If you have set your path on motherhood, you may feel fear and trepidation about this new endeavor; and that is expected. But I also invite you to consider all the ways you have been a mother in so many other areas of your life.
If you have cared about someone or something, you have mothered. If you have put time and energy and passion into creating something, you have mothered. If you have experienced heartache at the loss of someone meaningful, you have mothered.
As you nurture this new neural wiring, it will let you build on your experiences with the wisdom and knowledge you have accumulated on your journey. Then consider the ways you will learn, grow, and develop during motherhood, all the while building the next layer of your becoming. This cycle ultimately leads you back to mothering in other ways than children again. You come full circle!
MOTHERING CAREERS
I consider it a privilege to have so many women in my universe that have chosen to put their mother energy into their careers—both with and without children. Some I have coached directly and others I am close to as friends, so I have intimate knowledge of their journey.
It was during my original doctoral workshop, which only included women without children in their care, when I first shared the idea that all women mother. I thought this was an important but tangential piece I was including. The main intention of the workshop was to raise their awareness and open the door for them to critically discern all the choices they would face to prepare for motherhood— and throughout motherhood. But after I dropped in the piece that they were already mothers, and that they have been mothering in many ways in their lives, it hit me. I realized just how harsh and limiting the programming that dictates nothing you achieve or accomplish in your life is as important or meaningful than having a child.
It broke my heart to hear one of the participants share that despite having created a highly successful interior design and build agency, she felt none of it ultimately mattered and she was a failure if she didn’t also get married and have a child.
When I was in the beginning stages of my desire to take my doctoral work out to the world, I engaged a woman-owned personal branding agency to help me put words to what I was doing. To my delight, Jessica, the founder of the agency had a dream in which she was given the words I use today—the Mother Code. I owe her my sincere gratitude for this. As I worked with her, I also did some private coaching for her personally. Jessica still questioned whether she wanted to be a mother of children in her life, yet she did the beautiful work owning and celebrating the mother energy she was already putting into creating her business. Everyone around her, including her husband and employees, could feel the shift.
When she shared her excitement about this new revelation on her social media platform, a friend reached out very upset. She told Jessica she had no right to claim being a mother if she didn’t have children. She chose to hold her ground and share with her friend what this meant to her. Jessica said while she was not claiming they were the same experiences, owning her mother energy and identifying as a mother was real and very much alive and present for her. She mothered herself powerfully both by claiming her identity on the mother continuum and guarding it when it was questioned.
Whether you are an entrepreneur, an employee, part of a team, a CEO, or anywhere you must take care of people or a project, you are mothering.
It is so beautiful and empowering when we recognize the mother energy we provide in these endeavors. When we do, we see the parallel cycle of conceiving, creating, and birthing that most endeavors require.
