When I moved back to Cincinnati in 2007, I went over to my boss’s desk and told him that I was going to work from home the next day because our cable and WiFi were getting installed. Before he could catch himself, he asked me why my wife couldn’t handle it.
I looked at him and said, “Man, that would be awesome, but as a single person, I have to take care of all those things myself.”
I remember watching the red creep up his neck as he realized what he had said. He had spent an entire career having his wife follow him around the world, and she never worked outside the home. He just needed to go to work and would return home to an unpacked house, clean clothes, and prepared meals he liked. He could use the entirety of his energy and focus just on his job.
It was a mind-opening moment for me as well. It made me think about the number of people (usually men) that I worked with who had a whole support system doing things for them, so they only had to focus on their jobs.
Work is more than just the outcome of your project, product, spreadsheet, or presentation. You will spend one-third of your life toiling away, so it is natural to not want this part of your life to be miserable. Whether you decorate your cube, celebrate birthdays, or have occasional donuts brought in, these things matter and make the environment more pleasant for everyone.
Many people blithely glide through their working years never wondering how these delightful moments happen, yet they are happy to participate in them. Little to no brain power is extended to recognize the time, expense, or effort behind all these offerings.
Now shift this perspective to home life. Again, life is better when there is ice cream, when fun outings are planned, and when delightful things occur. Too often, these niceties are expected, yet again, no credit is given for the time and effort needed to plan and execute.
Definition of the Mental Load
Mental load is the cognitive effort involved in managing your work, relationships, and family. It creeps into everything, is invisible, and is never-ending.
While every person does carry some mental load, research shows that mothers report they are responsible for 71 percent of the mental load, while fathers report they are responsible for 45 percent.
That is 13 weeks of full-time work.
The Gether Company recently did a survey of more than 320 parents from various countries, and it revealed that women spend an average of 520 hours per year managing the mental load on top of their full-time jobs—and this does not reflect the mental load that happens at work and in family responsibilities.
The mental load can be broken down into three subcategories: cognitive labor, emotional labor, and mental labor.
Imagine the mental load as a multifunctional team:
- Cognitive labor functions as your inner logistics and supply chain manager, overseeing planning and organization.
- Emotional labor functions as your human resources department, focusing on people and emotions.
- Mental labor serves as the integrator of both, ensuring tasks are completed accurately and efficiently.
All three working in concert ensure that people show up for the right things at the right time, feeling good as they arrive.
How these labors show up varies from person to person. Below are examples:
Cognitive Labor
- Planning a national sales meeting
- Ensuring enough power cords are available for laptops
- Organizing playdates
- Coordinating social activities
- Making appointments
- Planning household cleaning tasks
- Paying for lessons
- Creating chore charts
- Remembering teammates’ birthdays
- Planning meals and logistics (groceries, thawing food, Crock-Pot prep, etc.)
Emotional Labor
- Ensuring everyone is getting along
- Checking that your child is happy with their teacher
- Handling kids’ requests for help while your partner is rarely asked
- Considering whether time to reconnect with your partner is needed—and how to make it happen
- Overthinking responses due to a partner’s quick temper
- Buying gifts for your partner’s family so he doesn’t have to
- Wondering if counseling would improve things
- Smiling at work despite personal stress
- Listening to friends who vent but don’t reciprocate
- Remembering teammates’ cake preferences
- Managing dietary needs of others
- Doing tasks because you are perceived to do them “better”
- Handling school responsibilities (permission slips, money, treats, etc.)
Mental Labor
- Assessing: Do we have enough milk or towels?
- Considering: Is it time for a haircut?
- Organizing: Preparing kids’ backpacks for field trips
- Anticipating: Managing moods or upcoming needs before they arise
- Deciding: Which suitcase to pack
- Monitoring: Noticing office supplies running low
I truly get tired just reading this list.
How to Address the Mental Load
As with all difficult conversations, approach matters.
- Choose the right time and place. Don’t react in frustration—document and revisit calmly.
- Find common ground: assume positive intent (“I know you want the team to succeed…”).
- Use “I” statements (“I feel overwhelmed when…”).
- Avoid absolutes like “always” or “never.”
- Be specific about frequency and responsibility.
- Expect resistance (“Why didn’t you tell me?” “You should have asked!” “Make a list.”)
These responses often reflect avoidance of responsibility rather than lack of care.
To respond, stay calm and ask questions:
- “Did you notice the task was incomplete?”
- “What did you think needed to happen next?”
The goal is awareness and accountability, not blame.
To rebalance the load:
- Delegate clearly and consistently
- Set boundaries and follow through
- Allow consequences for non-action
- Address “weaponized incompetence” directly and transparently
- Teach tasks rather than absorbing them
- Prioritize self-care so you can sustain the effort
Final Thoughts
So many women spend large parts of their lives frustrated by the unnamed mental load. Questions like “Why can’t he just…,” “How could he forget…,” and “Why is he unable to…” repeat endlessly.
Women often replicate patterns they saw in previous generations, while now also working full-time jobs.
This explains why exhaustion is so common.
Mental load is real and profound. It can equal months of additional unpaid labor each year.
Once you begin to see it clearly, you can better understand its impact: burnout, overwhelm, anxiety, and fatigue—but also the path toward relief, fairness, and shared responsibility.
Addressing the mental load improves not only systems, but wellbeing, relationships, and self-worth.
Excerpted from Taboo Topics: Things Women Should Talk About, But Don’t by Nicole Johnston.
